First post of 2015, what should it be about?

Hmmm… How about surveying the teams’ positions in the NBA standings? Hey, that’s a great idea! Boy, I love my ideas sometimes.

Honestly, what better time there is to do that? End of the season? Nah, too mainstream. At the All-Star break? Nah, I will be busy watching and writing about the All-Star itself. Maybe at the season’s halfway point? Give me a break, that’s even more mainstream than writing at the end of the season. Let’s do it now, when the teams played 31-37 games. Lets keep things unpredictable as possible, so the enemy can’t recognize a pattern.

So, let’s look at the standings of both conferences as they are shown on the nba.com website:

And without Freddy Adu, here we go.

East

Atlanta – 25 Wins, 8 Losses – Well, that escalated quickly. How the fuck did that happen?! Great jobs, Hawks!

Chicago – 24 Wins, 10 Losses – Is Pau Gasol having his best season ever, at 34 years of age?! What kind of sorcery is this?!

Toronto – 24 Wins, 10 Losses – I don’t know which is the bigger mind-fuck – Atlanta’s record or Toronto’s. All this with DeMar DeRozan not playing for the last month+?!

Washington – 22 Wins, 11 Losses – Great job! I’m really happy for John Wall, because when I played in the NBA 2K12’s Player Mode, my player was drafted by the Wizards and was so dominant he eventually drove Wall out of the team (I played PG and I daresay I was pretty awesome). So I’m really happy to see that Wall didn’t let that incident haunt him fot the rest of his career.

Cleveland – 19 Wins, 15 Losses – Meh. I really want them to do well because of LeBron and my homeboy Coach Blatt. And Kevin Love is not going to join no “20-10 Club” with the “17.5-9.9” he’s posting this season…

Milwaukee – 18 Wins, 17 Losses – I’m really really glad to see them here. I’m intending to keep the promise I gave Giannis Ante.. Giannis Antetokom… The Greek Freak, a few weeks ago. Make it happen, Milwaukee!

Brooklyn – 16 Wins, 17 Losses – First thing Jay-Z touched that didn’t turn into gold?

Miami – 15 Wins, 20 Losses – 8th in the East, not bad (insert Obama meme here). 0.429 winning percentage, not good. If they make the playoffs with that winning percentage, Adam Silver should close the Eastern conference for the next 2 years.

Indiana – 13 Wins, 22 Losses – Well, what did you expect?! They start Donald Sloan (who???) for christ’s sake… Maybe Roy Hibbert can make it interesting and make a run for Rik Smits‘s record of “The Worst Rebounder Ever In NBA History When Height Is Taken Into Account”?

Boston – 11 Wins, 20 Losses – I don’t want to hurt Bill Simmons’ feelings, so I won’t have a go at the Celtics. Especially since Rajon Rondo already “had a go” on them. Get it? Because he left. To Dallas. See what I did there? Worst. Joke. Ever. It doesn’t even make sense English-wise. Ok, I’ll go and stand in a corner now.

Orlando – 13 Wins, 24 Losses – Who the fuck plays there?! I think I can name only Victor Oladipo and Nerlens Noel. And now it turns out Noel actually plays for Philly! When did he change teams?!

Charlotte – 11 Wins, 24 Losses – Great improvement, from a 0.524 winninjg percentage last year to 0.314 this year. I bet Michael is proud.

Detroit – 10 Wins, 23 Losses – Well, they finally found a true heir to Chauncey Billups in Brandon Jennings. Ok, I’m really really sorry for writing that.

New York – 5 Wins, 31 Losses – Oh boy, where are the good old days, when they simply missed the playoffs?

Philadelphia – 4 Wins, 28 Losses – Hey, at least they’re not the Knicks!

West

Golden State – 26 Wins, 5 Losses – WOW. Just fucking WOW. They are my favorites right now to win the whole thing.

Portland – 26 Wins, 8 Losses – More of the same for the Blazers. Lillard is great, but I reckon the conference semis are their limit. But hey, did I mention Lillard is great?

Memphis – 24 Wins, 9 Losses – HOW THE FUCK THE GRIZZLIES DO IT?! WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS LOOK SO FUCKING GREAT?! YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR! THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING! Anyway, a final between Memphis and Toronto is probably what makes Adam Silver wake up at night, covered in cold sweat.

Dallas – 25 Wins, 10 Losses – They probably have the best starting 5 in the league right now. I bet they will battle Golden State for the West title. I would love to see Dirk get one more great playoff run. And to think that many years ago he inspired me to write a paper on big-game chokers for a social psychology course I did. I feel so ashamed right now thinking about it. To my (feeble) defense, I can say that this was before his 2011 heroics.

Houston – 23 Wins, 10 Losses – The beard is strong with this one.

L.A. Clippers – 23 Wins, 11 Losses – Yada yada yada. Lob City, Blake and CP3, been there done that. This is getting really boring, What will they do this year? Another conference semi-final? Wow… Please, tell me more about it (insert condescending Willy Wonka meme here).

San Antonio – 21 Wins, 14 Losses – Who gives a fuck?! Timmy is having a very good year! But yeah, they should probably push it a bit more if they don’t want to end their streak of seasons with 50+ wins.

Phoenix – 20 Wins, 16 Losses – 8th place, but only temporarily. They are merely saving a seat for OKC.

New Orleans – 17 Wins, 16 Losses – It’s a pity Anthony Davis‘s great season won’t be translated to a playoff spot. But this is life. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you play for New Orleans.

Oklahoma City – 17 Wins, 17 Losses – Russell Westbrook looks like he could average 40 points if he wants to, and that’s with Durant alongside him, averaging almost a point-per-minute (25.5 ppg, 29.5 mpg). Why did I say it’s Golden State vs. Dallas in the West final? I reckon they should make it a three-way-battle, like in WWE. Last team standing will be crowned.

Sacramento – 14 Wins, 20 Losses – Another homeboy, Omri Casspi! He is having a good season, and with Boogie Cousins playing his best basketball evar, they could end the season with 35 wins! I really mean it!

Denver – 14 Wins, 20 Losses – Finally! I never undrestood how this team is making the playoffs year after year after year. Finally they understood they have nothing to do there. Good job, guys!

Utah – 12 Wins, 22 Losses- They never should have fired Jerry Sloan, I’ve been saying that for years. But why should anyone listen to me? Anyway, Is it too late to un-retire Malone and Stockton?

L.A. Lakers – 11 Wins, 23 Losses – Naturally, I would wish every team that has a player nicknamed “Swaggy P” to end the season with a 0-82 record. But Kobe‘s here too, so let’s make it 30-52, ok? The feels are strong for Kobe, they really are. But hey, he needs to pull himself together, he already lowered his career scoring average from 25.46 ppg before the start of the season to 25.42 ppg. Snap out of it, Kobe!

Minnesota – 5 Wins, 27 Losses – Hey, at least they’re not the Knicks!

That’s it for now. I’m planning a new Hall Of Fame induction in the very near future. Who will it be??? Stay tuned!