Attention, hoops fans: Record alert! Record alert!

NBA records seem to fall this season faster than my hopes of ever publishing a paper in a peer-reviewed journal. After Steph Curry broke Steph Curry’s record for most three-pointers in a season and Kevin Garnett‘s corpse broke Karl Malone‘s record of career defensive rebounds, another record is about to fall, probably tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. I’m not sure how this shit with the time zones works. And how come there is no single word in English for the day after tomorrow?! What the actual fuck?

Anyway. back to the record in question: DeAndre Jordan is now only two field goals away from becoming the player with the highest field goal percentage in NBA history. In order to qualify for the all-time list, one has to make at least 2,000 field goals in his career, and DeAndre currently sits at 1,998 made field goals. Meaning that if everything goes as planned, he should meet the required criterion during the Clippers’ upcoming game against Cleveland.

The moment he meets the criterion – the previous record will be simply annihilated. As of now, the all-time leader in FG% is Artis Gilmore – hands down, owner of the coolest afro-beard combo in NBA history. Yes, even better than Big Ben Wallace. Gilmore’s career FG%? 59.90%. DeAndre’s career FG%? 66.76%!!! I mean – Whaaaaaaaat?! Judging by the fact that DeAndre never shot worse than 60% from the field in any of his 8 seasons in the league, it’s a totally reasonable bet that he will finish his career ranked first all-time in this department.

And speaking of players who can be the all-time leaders in some percentages stuff, I would like to single out the fact that Steph Curry is currently the second most accurate three-point shooter in the league’s history (after his coach), and the third best free-throw shooter of all-time, behind Mark Price and Steve Nash.

“Damn Michael, why d’you had to put all that pressure on me? What if I don’t score two field goals? Sometimes you just don’t think before you post something and you don’t realize what it can do to a person’s psyche…”